Happy Father’s Day to John Gaius, Protector of the Nine Houses, the King Undying, the Ressurector, the Necrolord Prime, and ultimate (bad) Dad™️. Keep making dad jokes, John, and maybe we’ll forgive you.
I love the Original Flavor Vader. Like, subsequent stuff made him ridiculous by giving him a backstory and world building and shit and I love it, but just imagine
He’s the Emperor’s goth Space Rasputin who you all have to let hang around, even though he’s really killing the vibe, has absolutely no real authority over any of you (Tarkin is the one giving the orders!), and likes to spew vague threatening mantras while you try to strategize and shit. None of you know where he comes from, Darth may or may not be his real name, and that religion he likes to lecture you about is Extremely Illegal
So one day you tell him his esoteric dying faith–that, like, two old men and a twink from Desert Bumblefuck still take seriously–is old, weird, and not as powerful as your fash wetdream planet-destroying laser–and also kinda useless, dude, it hasn’t exactly fixed that Rebel Problem you have going on
Unfortunately, he is also a seven-foot-tall laser-sword-wielding robot wizard of death, so in response to this, he gets mad and chokes you out with his mind
Your other boss (Tarkin, is Probably In Charge) treats this like it’s normal and tells both of you to play nice while you make sure your trachea is intact and The Magic Death Cyborg sulks in the corner because he wasn’t allowed to murder the non-believer
I went to a hippie art school in California. You would lose your mind studying the people there. Vegans? Weak. I knew honest to god freegans. Both kinds.
My Aunt Lynn once gave herself and her family intestinal parasites by dumpster diving for meat a supermarket threw out.
Nothing against freegans actually, I’m all for reducing food waste, but for the love of fuck don’t do it with expired beef and pork that’ve been in a dumpster in 85F heat for hours
I remember just staring blankly at the screen when you told us this. Just. Genuine abject blue screen of death
Then a lot of swearing
My family did ivermectin before it was cool! And for the actual intended purpose!
I also knew freegans in California at the hippie art school that was part of my university. I also knew a girl who thought solid food was bad for the environment, and she subsisted entirely on smoothies for most of a year.
Fascinating.
Hang on gotta go see if I can run this one down. See if it was just some wild conclusion she came to personally, or if there’s actually a group who claim that.
I knew a freegan in Durango that almost got mauled to death because he was dumpster diving in the Sonic Dumpster that everyone and their dog knew belonged to the local Alpha Black Bear Boar.
Kyle only broke his leg and escaped into the sonic with his friend who had been hotboxing the sonic kitchen with weed he was definitely not old enough to be smoking, which caused him to slip on kitchen grease and stab himself on some kind of kicthen impliment. I got called by them at 12:03 AM, terminally high and panicking because of the weed and the bear circling the sonic, because the Kush-Kabob guy was in my husband’s D&D group and Husbeast and I were the only adult-adults he knew.
…Which is how I ended up having to chase a 400lb black bear away from the back door of a sonic so I could drive two of the stupidest people I ever met to the hospital. Whatever vibe I have that makes horses wanna murder me apparently makes bears shit themselves and run tho.
